I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
