John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
