I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
wakey wakey hands off snakey
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
