Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
