I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
