ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
They took my balls.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dicks are not precious.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
