What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm always down for nudity.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
