I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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