Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
