Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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