A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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