Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
