sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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