Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
