and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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