So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
