Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
