Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
