Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
