You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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