nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
