I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
