I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
