My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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