I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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