Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
