Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize