I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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