toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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