she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
