he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
