My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
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