Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
