Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
