I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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