Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
