you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
