I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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