DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
