You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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