Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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