I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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