too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
