I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
