I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
