my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
