Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
