i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize