just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
