I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize