im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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