He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
