So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
