When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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