You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i believe in u and ur pee
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