I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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