First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it glows. i had to have it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
