what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
