There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My liver just broke up with me...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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