I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
