I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
