this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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