dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
